we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
