the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
