Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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