First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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