Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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