dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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