Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
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