she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
