did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
