I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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