yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Randomize
