there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
