We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize