need another drink. this is the easiest way
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
