lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
