Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
