Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
