In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
