i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
