pop tarts are not kleenex
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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