I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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