I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
