Yo dont text me then not text me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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