make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
