i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
