Having a random hookup so left but love u
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
