dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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