Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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