It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
