I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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