Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
