I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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