Non-Jews are for practice
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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