I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
