turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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