By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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