I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
