I'm really into asian looking animals
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
