is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
