If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
