Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
