I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
