Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
wow bdsm is so cute
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
