I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize