I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
