guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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