im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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