Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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