I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
