9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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