Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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