Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
