Dude my mom stole all your condoms
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
