She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
