Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
